Like most moms, I rarely have time to shop for clothes for myself. And, when I do have time, there are a thousand other things I would rather be doing. I have never been a fashionista, but I always used to enjoy shopping. Now, when I go shopping I feel like a mole, poking its head up above ground, blinking at the sunlight, and looking around confusedly. I'd like to think that since I've been staying home full-time, I haven't completely let myself go (I don't think I wear mom jeans...do I?), but I am clearly out of touch with the fashion world.
Tonight I had about an hour in between dinner and bedtime in which to sneak out and try to locate some kind of garment for my upper half that would not be hideous in pictures. Pressed for time as I was, I ran to the closest option, Old Navy, down the street. If those of you who know where I live are wondering why I didn't go to Target, I had already exhausted that possibility. Anyway, into the mostly deserted Old Navy I went. I looked around trying to get ideas, found a few things that might work, and headed to the dressing room. While in there, I overheard the college age employees discussing their majors and future career plans (I am glad that they remain optimistic that they will actually be able to get jobs when they graduate), and I started feeling old. For some reason I seem to hang onto the idea that I'm not too far out of college. In reality, I remember the year Old Navy opened, and the cute little coeds were probably about Oliver's age at the time.
Feeling old and completely out of touch with the fashion world does not promote a lovely shopping experience. I then discovered that the loose, flowing style of clothing, that apparently culture finds attractive now, is a little too close to maternity wear for my comfort. Sure, the clothes probably look on me about how they'd look on anyone, but one must be mindful that if worn when you are out and about with two young kids, people may indeed be questioning if you are expecting a third. I'd much rather be wearing something form fitting that leaves, in my case, less to the imagination.
What troubles me most is not current fashion trends, but the fact that, when I do go to shop for myself, I don't really even know what I like anymore. In truth, I am more comfortable out and about with my kids, because for better or worse, they have come to define me. This may just be a product of being in the trenches with little ones, but it does give me pause for thought. I went to college, then grad school, then had a real job, and then dropped out of the work world to stay home. Being a mom changes you, but I think that staying home changes you even more, especially if it wasn't always what you planned to do. Its so easy to lose yourself along the way.
I did find something to wear for the pictures, and as I was checking out, watched the cashier next to me, flirt shamelessly with the young man she was helping. He was returning home after finishing graduate school with a masters in counseling. The girl thought this was "so cool" because she was going to major in some social work or something... I just wanted to chime in "hey, I went to graduate school too!". But, sidestepping the obvious embarrassment that this would have caused me, I simply paid for my sweater and went home to put my kids in bed. Whether I like it or not, my identity right now is "mommy". Maybe I could work on the fashion thing though...
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