Acting My Age

Just the other day, Bill stuck something in front of my face to read and as I jerked my head back to allow my eyes to focus on the text, I had a sudden memory of my mom doing just the same thing when I was little.  At the time I remember thinking, "Wow, if she can't read that, she is really getting old".  Oh great, here we go.

I have been thinking a lot about age lately. Namely, my perception of my own age.  I seem to have this lingering impression that I am still in my late twenties. I don't base this so much on how I look or feel physically, but on some kind of cognitive conception, or rather misconception, of my maturity level.  My brain seems to have stalled out somewhere after grad school.  That was a time when we were just scraping by - all grown up but not yet making it in the world as "grown ups".  I have never been able to quite shake that feeling.

I think I must be confusing put-togetherness with chronological age.  When I see a woman who looks and acts very polished, I usually assume that she is older than me.  I'm usually wrong of course.  I guess I keep thinking that when I'm really a grown up, I will have my act together too.  As it is, some days I am surprised by the fact that I actually have kids and am responsible for caring for them!  Aren't I still too young and immature for that?  I'm sure my parents felt like grown ups, right?

But, life is full of reality checks.  Our babysitter is a college sophomore and I feel like I can talk with her like I am semi "with it".  Yeah, cuz I'm a young, hip mom and I'm not so far out of college myself.  Then I realize that its been 10 years since I graduated, I am 16 years older than her and frankly I'm not so okay with leggings after living through the 80's, which was BEFORE SHE WAS BORN!  I guess I'm not very cool after all (is it still cool to say "cool"?).  And, every time I get up in the morning feeling achy and tired- which is most days lately, since I have a teething toddler who can't seem to make it for more than 3 hours at night without me at - I feel betrayed by my body.  You are only as old as you feel? That does me zero good.

And so, I slowly feel the concept of my real age creeping into my head.  But its not all bad.  I am starting to shake off that struggling, insecure, post-graduate student feeling.  We're getting ready to sell our house and upgrade to something a little more grown up.  You know, more than one bathroom and not in a neighborhood where the foot traffic that passes by us in route to the bus stop is a source of new and colorful language for our children.  As I look online at pictures of houses in our price range, I feel a sense of wonderment at the thought that we could actually be mature enough to live in those places.

I know that I may never have my act together enough to feel like a grown up.  Maybe no one really does.  But, I'm learning that its not really about acting my age, its about embracing where I'm at in my life.  I like it here and I look forward to all that is to come.