Embracing the Chaos

I grew up in a really, really clean house.  This was good in that it taught me the importance of order in the functioning of a household, but it also gave me some unrealistic expectations.  Try as I might, I just can't seem to keep things in our house like they were in mine growing up.  I'm sure this is a combination of the increasing complexity of our lives today, the fact that people simply have more stuff now (which is not a good thing, I realize) and the fact that I have two crazy little boys vs. the two comparatively docile girls my parents had.  Whatever the reason, I can't help but feel guilty that I just can't seem to make it work.  Its not too much fun to be unable to get everything done, and not satisfied until everything is done.  Yes, that does mean I'm never satisfied.  Like I said, not fun.

As much as I tell myself its important not to get too bogged down in the housework and just enjoy my kids, the nagging voice is always there that I need to be getting stuff done.  As I watch my kids though, I am beginning to understand that some of the good stuff in life lies in the messiness and chaos.  Yesterday, the kids and I were leaving the house and I stopped and took stock of the craziness around me -  little boys running through the backyard, picking up sticks and stones, looking at bugs, clambering into the car, scrambling into car seats and buckling harnesses, while Oliver talked incessantly and Emory jabbered away -  and I realized that this is it.  The busyness and energy of kids make everything disorderly, but each little moment is very full.  They  don't miss the chance to discover, explore and enjoy everything that they can.  Observing things like this helps me let go of a little of the stress I feel about maintaining order in our home.  If things in our lives are too structured, clean and organized, we miss out on some of the fun that messes create.

So, tonight when I made pumpkin pancakes - I love breakfast for dinner - I let Emory help as much as he wanted.  I always cook with the kids, but I'm not always very relaxed about the mess they make.  I let Emory explore the process how he wanted to (within reason, I did need the ingredients to mostly stay in the bowl) and he had a blast.  It only meant a couple of extra minutes of clean up for me and was totally worth it.

Going forward, I plan to make a conscious effort to better balance the benefits of chaos with the serenity of order.  We will all probably have a little more fun in the process.  Now to go mop the kitchen...

Bittersweet

Days like today make me feel so happy and kind of sad at the same time.  I have spent time today working on potty training with Emory (21 months) and reading with Oliver (5 years).  I am so proud of the new things my boys are learning to do, but I know that this also means that they are pulling away just a little more each day.

Before I had kids I didn't know what a bittersweet journey motherhood would be.  I imagined all of the stages they would go through, but didn't know the extent to which my own feelings, hopes and dreams would become entwined with theirs.  I didn't know how much they would delight and aggravate me at the same time.  I didn't know that I would be in danger of losing myself at times.  I didn't know that watching them grow up would be one of the happiest and hardest things I would ever experience.

Kids want to grow up and their parents, of course, want what's best for them.  We want them to become competent, independent people who contribute to society.  What I have come to realize about myself is that I am not really sad that they are growing up, I am sad that I am being left behind.  I love my role as a "mommy".  I love being the first person Emory wants to see when he wakes up and the last one he sees before he falls asleep.  I love being the one who makes every little scrape and bruise better and the excuse to act silly in public.  I know that my relationship with my kids will continue to evolve and grow in different ways, but my time to play superhero won't last forever.  I guess this is all the more reason to make the most of all those little moments along the way.

Friday Joy

It's Friday night and I am feeling pretty beat, but before I crash, I thought I would put a few minutes of joy out there!

1.  A fun play date with an old friend and 5 little boys under one roof
2.  Two little boys singing along with the radio in the backseat
3.  Homemade playdough

If you haven't collected any joyful moments yet today, grab them before they're forgotten.  If you don't have any to collect, why not try and make one right now?

Hurry Up, For What?

A friend and I were talking the other day about how any time we leave the house with the kids, we always feel rushed.  It occurs to me that I have been in a hurry for the better part of the last 5 years.  I know that part of it is just the amount of extra stuff there is to plan for/pack with little kids.

Case in point, today I took the kids to a nearby park and wading pool to play with friends.  This is what it entailed:

- Getting everyone dressed in swimsuits (after hunting for Oliver's swim shirt)
- Packing three towels, water bottles and snacks, change of clothes, diaper, wipes and sunscreen
- Finding the pool toys and swimming ring (the one without the hole)
- Loading up in the van
- Going down the street to Target to buy swim diapers (they were out of Emory's size of course) and another swimming ring so that both kids would have one, thus preventing a major meltdown
- Driving back home because Target had no swimming rings and grabbing the one with the hole in hopes that it wouldn't deflate too quickly
- Meeting friends at the pool
- Putting on swim diaper and applying sunscreen
- And finally, swimming

All this for a casual playdate. As usual, this endeavor left me feeling rushed and frazzled, and for what?  If we had been late our friends would have understood, and Emory didn't even want to use his swimming ring, so why did I waste time on that?

The bottom line is, yes, outings with little kids take planning, and I can't avoid this (though there are no doubt ways I need to simplify the process).  But, I think I need to remember that any sense of anxiety I feel about being late is completely self-imposed.

I recently read somewhere that many women today are obsessed with being busy.  Somehow we have tied up our self-worth in how much we can get done and how many things we can do at once.  I wonder what impact this will have on our kids?

Something to think about...

Collecting Moments of Joy

I've been slowly working my way through a book called The Change Your Life Challenge, by Brook Noel.  It basically takes you through small steps that help you create balance in many aspects of your life.  One of the steps I am currently trying to implement is to notice and appreciate the little moments of joy that I encounter on a daily basis.  She recommends that you jot them down when you find them, and if you aren't finding them during your day, doing something to create them.

So, in an effort to get into this habit, I have decided to record some of my little joys here.  If by any chance you are reading this, please take a minute and respond to this post with a little joy of your own.

So, on this hot and humid Wednesday:

1. Hearing Oliver call Emory by a little nickname ("Nemmers" or "Nem" for short)  2. My new iphone (materialistic I know, but come on, it rocks!)  3. An ice cold chai, purchased without the company of my children

Honestly, I feel a little more energized already.  Might just be caffeine though...

Here Goes Nothing!

I think today is the perfect day to begin.  It is nearly 11 pm, I've been up since 6 am (yes, I know, I should just go to bed, but that is one of those things I need to work on...), and it was one of those days.  I have a theory that with the super hot, humid weather, there must be some atmospheric pressure that is causing people to go a little bit crazy.  Oliver was more ornery than usual, and Emory was super fussy (teething probably).  This is not out of the ordinary, but when we ventured out of the house for a quick trip to the library and a drive downtown to pick up Daddy, I found the phenomenon may be more widespread.  I saw more crazy driving today than in the last two years.  The kids' behavior continued to spiral downhill all evening and ended with early bedtimes for two disgruntled little people.

The good thing is, just sitting down to write this, I feel like I can gain a little clarity and peace of mind.  After all, looking at the day, we did have a few high points.  The boys and I made some awesome granola bars, Oliver and I played a mean game of Uno and Emory added lots of new words to his vocabulary (unfortunately Ironman was one of them).

So, I guess, on this hot, humid, crazy day, I will go to bed feeling pretty good after all.