The No TV Week Results

Our boys spent a week without TV, and a lovely week it was.  I expected there to be some change in the kids' behavior, but it was more significant than I had imagined.  We don't allow the kids to watch a lot of TV in the first place, so I'm surprised at the impact its removal had on the kids.

I told the boys up front about the plan and they were okay with it.  I explained that it wasn't punishment, but a chance to spend more time together.  Surprisingly, for the entire week, they never whined or begged for TV.  Oliver asked for it a couple of times, but then said, "Oh right, we're not having TV this week."  The absence of whining about wanting to watch TV and disagreements about what to watch was blissful. I think that by simply removing the temptation, the kids' attention naturally turned to other things.

I was ready with a few more activities than usual.  During the hour each day when they would have been watching TV, we made a giant valentine for Daddy, played with play dough, painted and made homemade pizza.  These are things we do anyway, but I was more intentional in planning our time. But what surprised me most was that it wasn't just the activity for "TV time" itself that changed; the boys played better together all week. Emory became really caught up in pretend play for the first time and we had deep sea divers, superheroes and villains running rampant in the halls.  I really enjoyed watching them play "Daddy and Baby".  Seeing your 2 year-old try to carry your 5 year-old around the house is pretty amusing.

I did have to give up that little time for myself that I usually get in the afternoons when the kids are watching TV.  This was a kind of hard and I really didn't get a whole lot done during the week.  But, the kids played so well together that I didn't feel too frazzled.  I think I was a more positive and patient with the boys than I normally am. We must have been feeding off each other's good energy.  Bill says that he could also see a difference in the kids when he came home from work - they were much less whiny and temperamental.

Well, we did let the kids have some TV time again this weekend.  Bill and I have both been sick with the most persistent cold ever, and we really did need the distraction.  Unhappily, as soon as the TV came back, the kids began whining for more when it was time to shut it off...

So, now we have to figure out what role we will allow the TV to have in our home from this point forward.  I think I am okay with the kids watching a little TV in the afternoon, provided the whining and fighting do not escalate again.  But, I also want to have lots of days without TV so that no one begins to rely on it again.  I don't have a problem eliminating it and I think the kids know that now.  All in all, it was a very worthwhile experiment and I feel a just little bit better about my parenting skills as a result.

TV Silence

I'd like to think that I always make sound parenting choices.  Wouldn't we all?  However, when I make a conscious effort to be more self-aware, I see some things I'm not too happy about.  The TV viewing habit of my kids is one of them.

I am not naive about evils of the almighty TV and I know what the research says.  I've seen it suck my kids in, slow their brain waves to a near vegetative state and spit them back out again cranky and wanting more.  It does not fit into the picture of what I want my kids' life to be like at home.  Don't misunderstand me, we do lots of good stuff together and the kids have the ability to entertain themselves, which I think is a highly underrated skill in children today, but I do feel like I rely on a little too much on TV.

It started out so well - a little bit of TV in the afternoon once nap/quiet time was done.  Just enough to provide a little peace for me and a treat for the kids.  But our little friends Super Why, Diego, Arthur and Elmo, are slowly creeping more and more into our days.  15 minutes here because Em is fussy and I need to make lunch, 20 minutes there because I really need to make a phone call.  Then there are the days when one of the kids or I am sick and TV is the easiest way to keep everyone calm and happy.

I know that its supposedly "educational" programming, but the nagging feeling that it has too much of a hold over my kids won't go away.  The more they watch, the more they want.  And now I'm seeing the kids squabble over who gets to pick the show or video.  Its cute when Emory says "watch something else, its too boring for me", but this isn't something I really want to hear.  Something that started out so innocently is making my kids less kind to each other and more demanding towards Bill and I.  TV should be a privilege, not a right, and I don't think that we are always reflecting that in our home.

So, I'm going stop shaking my head and feeling bad about my parenting skills, and pull the plug.  Starting today, the kids will be TV-free for a week.  I am curious to discover what changes this brings about for our family.  I suspect there will be more gained than just an end to TV-induced begging and whining.  I will have to be a little more present and prepared, but that is good for me too.

I'm off to see if the paints are dried up, search under the couch for missing puzzle pieces and make a fresh batch of playdough.  Hopefully we'll greet next weekend with a healthier outlook on TV.  Those cute cartoon faces aren't fooling me anymore.

Worth the Wait

We recently purchased a little Apple TV box and a Netflix subscription and its amazing to have so many choices for things to watch in our cable/satellite-free house.  The kids have every episode of Super Why and Diego to pick from at TV time, and Bill and I are working our way through the entire Star Trek: Next Generation series (super geeky I know, but it reminds us of our youth).  Having all this media at our fingertips has given me a little pause for thought - not just about the temptation to watch more TV, but the possible deeper implications of the quick-access technology that I love so well.

I generally find waiting to be a pain.  This is why I love shopping and banking online and having my iphone, with access to the whole world, in my pocket.  I know that this instant access can be a dangerous thing - sucking away our time on facebook, enticing us with even better technology (there is an ipad out there somewhere with my name on it...) and enabling us to fill every second of the day with something, just because its there.  But, more than that, I've begun to wonder about the loss of the wait itself.

By bypassing the "wait", what could we be missing? Every time we take care of something online, we could be missing the chance to interact with real people.  Who knows when you might make a meaningful connection with someone?  Waiting gives us tiny blank spaces in our day that could be used for philosophizing, self-reflection or day dreaming.  Waiting also gives you the opportunity to really appreciate something. Think about when you used to wait for an album to be released and then making the trip to the music store to buy it.  Remember the magic of unsealing it and pouring over the liner notes for the first time?  Downloading music is so convenient, but very lackluster in my opinion.

Even more significant, I think we may be losing the ability to live gracefully in the gray areas of life.  Waiting 9 months to learn the sex of your baby (we didn't), staying up all night with your sick child without the ability to diagnose him via the internet, waiting to share good or bad news without the instant convenience of a cell phone - these are all opportunities to develop inner strength, listen to our intuition, relinquish control, increase our faith in God and rely on others for support.  

Sadly, I find that when I do have to wait for something, without the comfort of researching or expediting the process via technology, I don't handle it well.  With my haste to give up waiting, I have lost patience for the times when I really need it. 

I don't see myself giving up my cell phone or cancelling our internet service anytime soon, but I do hope to make an effort to let myself wait and wonder more. Who knows what I may discover when I do?

Into the Deep End

Under the clear blue water, I watch the neat stripe of green tiles curve slowly as they descend into the deep end.  I hear only my breath and the faint sounds of my limbs disrupting the surface of the water.  I feel only the coolness that surrounds me, the burn in my muscles and the pounding of my heart.  I think only of the mechanics of my movements; no extraneous thoughts distract me.  I have become a swimmer.  I don't claim to be very good at it, but I've recently come to the conclusion that if you are doing something regularly, you earn the right to attach it to your identity.  

Give me a yoga or pilates mat any day, but put me in a pair of running shoes and I'll run straight to the couch.  I simply don't enjoy most forms of cardiovascular fitness. The thought of working out amidst a sea of exercisers, bobbing up and down on stairsteppers, eliptical machines and treadmills at the gym (check out Out of My Comfort Zone for the story of my gym-joining fiasco), is enough to make me head for the nearest exit. So, thinking that swimming might be a better option, I began taking adult lessons in October.  I already knew how to swim, at least I did when I completed my lessons at the age of 14, but since it had been 20+ years since I'd actually propelled myself down the length of a lap pool, I thought I could use a refresher course.  Getting into the water for that first trial of crawl stroke under the watchful eye of my instructor was a feat in and of itself, but I discovered that it was kind of like riding a bike.  I did sort of remember how.

After a couple of months of lessons and reading on the subject, I have been swimming laps on a regular basis (except for a little hiatus in December...).  It is very hard work, but rewarding in ways that I would not have guessed.  You can't fake it in the pool, its just plain painful when you're out of practice (it is still painful each and every time for me), but you can really see your progress.  As I count the tiles at the end of the lane to keep track of  my laps, I'm amazed to see my numbers grow with each workout.  That sense of accomplishment is a gift in the midst of my harried days with the kids.  When I get to the end of most days, I realize that I didn't finish what I set out to do - it seems I make efforts in every direction, but don't end up completing anything.  I know that this is a side effect of life with small children, but it slowly chips away at my sense of self worth.  On the days that I swim, I have one little achievement to tuck away in my mind and draw strength from when I'm feeling defeated.

But for me, the most seductive part of swimming is the quiet.  No one is talking or whining or screaming or pulling on me.  There is no technology to distract me - my iphone is safely locked away.  Its just me in my unflattering fitness suit, blue swim cap and goggles.  And for the first time, I don't really care if anyone is watching me.

I have found my bliss in the quiet blue water.  Where will you find yours?

Rush to Slow Down

Lazy days of  lounging around in jammies, pancakes whenever we felt like it and flip flops have given way to early mornings, hurried breakfasts and shoes and socks.  It has taken a couple of weeks to adjust to the new school schedule - hench the dearth of blog posts - but the dust is finally settling.  Oliver loves kindergarten and I am coming to terms with the fact that he will no longer allow me to come into his classroom with him in the morning (sniff sniff).  I find it odd though, that for all of the rigidity and rush in our days now, I have been forced to slow down.

For all of Emory's little life, he has shared everything with his brother.  Oliver was in preschool a few days a week, but between morning naps and errands, we rarely had time to kill.  Now we have 3 1/2 hours together every day. Shopping with Emory isn't really working right now, so that option is out.  Its been a long time since I have been home alone for hours with a toddler, and I forgot how taxing it is to be the sole entertainment for a little one.  The house is so quiet and Emory just clings to me.  We both miss our Oliver dearly.  As Emory said in the car as we drove away from school the other day, "need Oliver... miss Oliver...snuggle Oliver."

After a few days of feeling frustrated by my inability to do anything, even shower, without Oliver around to provide some distraction for his brother, I had a realization.  I finally have the chance to get to know my little Emory.  I'm a SAHM, of course I know my kids, but I have the chance to see who Emory is on his own.  He will be two in just a couple of weeks, and seeing him outside of his brother's shadow is amazing.  We have had some lovely walks, playtime and snuggles together.  While Oliver is obviously a more sophisticated conversationalist, I adore Emory's jumbled attemps at communication.  I am learning what he really likes to do and what he is uniquely good at.  We are taking a little music class together and its fun to see his budding musical talent (he can already match pitch!).

I still have to remind myself (frequently) to relax when I start feeling anxious about all of the things I'm not getting done, but its hard to find anything more worthwhile than the feel of a snuggly little guy on your lap and the smell of his curly blonde head tucked under your chin.

Happy Hour

I remember a time in the distant past, when the words "happy hour"conjured up images of drinks and laughs with friends or colleagues.  A time to shake off the work woes of the day, kick off the weekend, or simply unwind.  Now the words have a significantly different meaning for me.

The new "happy hour" is the wedge of time between my children's bedtime and my own.  Yes, this is the beautiful time of my day when I relax, chat with my husband over a glass of wine and catch up on my reading.  Ouch, I think I fell asleep and hit my head on the keyboard!  And, reading what I just wrote, I must have been sleep-typing again.  The hours between the kids' bedtime and my own are more like a jumble of dishes, laundry, laying on the couch for a few minutes of mindless TV, and then forcing myself to get up and do stuff.  And of course the feelings of guilt that I am too tired to tidy the house so that I can wake with a lovely fresh start in the morning.

Well, I'm on a mission to bring a little of the happy back to that precious kid-free time of the day.  I have analyzed the situation and realized that I simply cannot keep up with the mess generated by the two, make that three (sorry honey) tornadic forces that I live with.  Could I better organize my time and plan my tasks in order to get everything done?  Possibly, but I've tried that, and I still end up exhausted and irritated.  It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I am sitting on a relatively untapped source of renewable energy...my children!  Yes, I have always known that chores are very important for building independence, giving children a sense of belonging within the family, developing a good work ethic, etc.  But, while I sporadically seek to involve my kids in the household work, I invariably revert to doing things myself because its faster, and frankly I'm better at it.  Well, no more!  Oliver is starting kindergarten next week, and I would be insulting his intelligence to assume that he can't take over some specific jobs around the house.

So, he and I sat down and created a chart for his tasks.  He will begin receiving a small allowance if he is able to manage his responsibilities without complaints or reminders.  He is very excited and is already making a plan for saving up enough quarters to buy something that he really wants.  You may be against the idea of an allowance or an allowance based on chores, but I figure it mirrors reality - you work, you get paid.  Yes, I do think that being part of a family and pitching in is what its really about, but he already understands that and is usually a willing helper.

Last night when I went to kiss Oliver goodnight, he said that he had a new plan for keeping his bed made.  He had just made it and was planning to sleep on top of his quilt so that he never had to make it again.  A little misguided, but he's trying!  He did a spectacular job of cleaning up his room before bed tonight - no "teamwork" required.  I hope that it sticks.

Even little Emory is getting in the game.  Like all toddlers, he loves to help out, but I am taking it one step further with him.  When he decides to empty out a cabinet, or throw his blocks across the room, despite his still adorable screams of "NO!", he is required to clean up his mess (with help) before leaving the room or moving on to the next thing.  This should make a huge difference in the amount of mess that is left in his wake.

The biggest challenge is sticking to the new plan, but with Oliver's dream of a new lego set and my dream of a leisurely glass of wine with my husband, we might just make it work.

Shavasana

So, I sucked up (or in rather) and went back to the gym today.  It was a much better experience this time around!  I took my first yoga class in a couple of years - ugh, has it really been that long? - and discovered, much to my chagrin, that I am really, really out of shape.  I'm very flexible, have pretty decent form, and pretty much no strength or endurance.  My Cobra was more like a garter snake, my Tree almost toppled, my Warrior was a little shaky, my Fierce was not so fierce and my side plank just plain stank.  But, I got through it and am happy to be sore.

I knew that I needed to get back into classes to help rebuild my energy and strength, but what I had forgotten about was the Shavasana.  For those of you unfamiliar with yoga, Shavasana or Corpse Pose is done at the end of the class. You lie on your back, close your eyes and fully relax.  Several years ago, when I first started taking pilates/yoga at a studio, I first encountered it.  During my early practices of  Shavasana, I remember thinking,  "Wow, this is weird...I feel like an idiot...is the teacher looking at me?...am I even doing this right?"  But, as time went on, I began to look forward to these small spots of peace amidst very hectic days.

Today I was so focused on getting through class without falling off of my mat and causing some sort of human domino effect, that I forgot one of the most important reasons why I was there.  Yes, it is good to exercise and get time away from the kids, but the chance to clear out my head for a few precious minutes was the best part.  I forgot how rejuvenating it is to take a little time just to "be".

So, in the spirit of starting the week well, and being more well in general, I am going to make an effort to take a few minutes every day to quiet my mind and just breathe.  In small doses, doing nothing can be so much more valuable than doing everything.

Is It Worth It?

I just realized that I haven't written any posts since last week.  I was too busy with fun stuff over the weekend and too occupied with other projects this week to sit down and write something.

The "other projects" have me thinking more and more about my priorities and if I am truly putting forth effort in the right areas of my life.  I am an all or nothing kind of girl.  I can pour a huge amount of effort into making something, researching something or planning something fabulous, but then feel like I am so behind with everything else because of all this other stuff I "had" to do.  I think it is very easy to expend a lot of well-intentioned energy on something that, in the end, doesn't really add much to your life.  I am discovering that before taking on something new, it is really important to figure out ahead of time if it is worth sacrificing time in other areas in order to do it.  Even more, I think it is worth evaluating where all of your time and energy goes in normal daily life to determine if it truly matches your priorities.  For me, I know that I put a lot of time and thought into little things that just don't matter much.

In my quest for simplification, I may just need to curb some of my creativity in favor of a chance to relax and possibly go to bed a little earlier (which unfortunately I have not yet managed to do).  I have been taking vitamins though!  Little changes adding up to big ones, remember?

Hurry Up, For What?

A friend and I were talking the other day about how any time we leave the house with the kids, we always feel rushed.  It occurs to me that I have been in a hurry for the better part of the last 5 years.  I know that part of it is just the amount of extra stuff there is to plan for/pack with little kids.

Case in point, today I took the kids to a nearby park and wading pool to play with friends.  This is what it entailed:

- Getting everyone dressed in swimsuits (after hunting for Oliver's swim shirt)
- Packing three towels, water bottles and snacks, change of clothes, diaper, wipes and sunscreen
- Finding the pool toys and swimming ring (the one without the hole)
- Loading up in the van
- Going down the street to Target to buy swim diapers (they were out of Emory's size of course) and another swimming ring so that both kids would have one, thus preventing a major meltdown
- Driving back home because Target had no swimming rings and grabbing the one with the hole in hopes that it wouldn't deflate too quickly
- Meeting friends at the pool
- Putting on swim diaper and applying sunscreen
- And finally, swimming

All this for a casual playdate. As usual, this endeavor left me feeling rushed and frazzled, and for what?  If we had been late our friends would have understood, and Emory didn't even want to use his swimming ring, so why did I waste time on that?

The bottom line is, yes, outings with little kids take planning, and I can't avoid this (though there are no doubt ways I need to simplify the process).  But, I think I need to remember that any sense of anxiety I feel about being late is completely self-imposed.

I recently read somewhere that many women today are obsessed with being busy.  Somehow we have tied up our self-worth in how much we can get done and how many things we can do at once.  I wonder what impact this will have on our kids?

Something to think about...